I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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