that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
