my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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