: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
