In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
