I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
