True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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