I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
