I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
