She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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