You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
