First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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