Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
