We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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