i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
