a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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