Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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