I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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