she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
my shit smells like andre
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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