Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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