Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
