my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
