I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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