i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
how drunk are you?
Several
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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