Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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