I'm so fucking centered right now
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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