The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
