I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize