how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
