but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
