god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
