I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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