i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize