Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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