I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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