Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize