Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
