My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
