Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
