I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
