I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
