Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
