The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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