I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
