eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
