i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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