I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
