The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
