Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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