woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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