I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
