Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize