Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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