my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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