Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
