I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
