Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
