Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
