i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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