his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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