i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
