I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
