Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Michael Bay diarrhea
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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